SCATTERBXRAIN

0606

2011-12-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

Sleeping is giving in no matter what the time is.

Let me just start by saying thank you to my faithful 20( I'm guessing ) readers,
without you I would feel stupid when I say 'hello'
or say stuff like 'you know that feeling' or many of my other conversationalist sentences.
This one time my views went up to 600+ when dingxuan left my link on her page.
Yes, that is the sad difference between my best friend and I.

Fortunately for me, I do not care for these kinds of things.
I just need at least one person to read my blog because I think I'm pretty funny and want to make him/her laughAlso because I think I can write pretty well sometimes.
I have my days.
Although they come as little and as lame as probably something like...the eclipse.

Well, you see I was just wondering what this life is about and all and I realized that it has no meaning. I don't mean it in the emotional I'minapostbreakupphase/Ijustlostmyjob kind of way.
It really just has no meaning, I'm not saying it's not fun and all.
Don't get me wrong, I love it.
Maybe it's cause I have no idea what it's about hence it's meaningless.
Something can't really have meaning if you don't know what it is me thinks.

Digressing, what is this constant competition with each other for?
I say this as I contradict myself because I for one love competition.
But I have no idea what this drive is for and where it comes from.
and what point am I trying to prove and even if I have proven my point.
I don't actually gain anything out of it.
Also, what is this with being popular?I don't understand it.
I remember wanting to be popular when I was a kid.
Maybe because of the show popular I can remember the typography and everything.
When I was 13, I wanted to be popular so badly I joined a sports extra curricular activity.
But when I became popular ( maybe in my head but I'm pretty sure I had a lot of friends ),
there really is nothing to it.
Kind of like working and climbing your way to the top, what is the point of it?
It's like going to marina barrage, you climb all the way to the top to see nothing.
In the end, it's really nothing except money.
But what if I just want to remain lost forever.
what if I just want to remain in constant awe of the world and surviving on minimum wage
and just be 'regular', cycle to work, paint at a home, read.
If I can be all that then I think I want out of this competition.
But like I said I'm a true testament of bad faith and contradiction.
Maybe the reason why I like whoring my life here is because I feel like most of you are doing it all wrong.
But I'm probably wrong. What do I know!
I like live in a country the size of the mole on my upperlip on the map and I don't go out much anymore.

xx

0537

2011-12-19T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hello, I've waited here for you. Everlong.

1158

2011-11-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

Things I've been doing in chronological order...

A photo shoot I did for an old friend Lynn

Model: Hannah Lee

A continuation of my photography project..

Models: AWESOMEEEE AARON!

Ben shu & Siewhwee

Claudia's look book

Model: Linda Hao

This is my ex-classmate Ben Teaw's work, will upload the whole series when he is done and I think it's Amazing and seeing my friends who are so humble do so well makes me so happy!

Okay back to work, a couple more days to the unveiling and I spent the entire day sleeping. Sometimes I wonder where my head's at.

Alright, 2 more minutes of sin and it's crunch time bitchez!!

1211

2011-11-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

So I'm like in the process of compiling all my research, references and writings from about maybe 3-5 years ago till date and I came across in the abyss of my computer. I wrote this a year ago. I don't know what drove to write this but I kind of like it. Minus the introduction & excessive use of vulgarities.

Dated February 1st 2010.

Oh come on, lighten up already.
Let bygones be bygones & fucking let go.
People make mistakes & they grow up, eventually.
Some people just take longer or greater extents to realize what they've done.
You just have to be patient & that's what friends are for.
And it is simple! Happiness is a state of mind.
Stop making fucking excuses for yourself and wallowing in self-pity.
It is addictive, I know. But so is happiness.
If there's something wrong with you, fix it.
Everyone knows why they are the way they are.
No one's just daring enough to admit it.
I mean honestly, I feel that most people I know like to dwell in the so-called-pain.
Because they're just afraid of the great unknown.
It's called great unknown for a reason you know?
Cause it's probably great?
And if it wasn’t so mysterious it wouldn’t be that great.
If you don't know what happiness is, settle for contentment.
Isn't life supposed to be the pursuit of happiness?
So go! Go pursue it, don't stifle your own growth into becoming whole.
I'm pretty sure all these things that happen to you made you who you are today.
It's true when they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
So just do whatever the fuck you want.
Everything you do is right to you anyway, that's why you did it in the first place, no?
I say fuck the consequences, experience things, learn from your mistakes.
If you become a better person, people tend to forgive you anyway.
And people who're meant to stay in your life, will stay in your life
They'll stick around even when you push them away.
So don't question love cause you'll know when it's there.
If love is gone, let go.
By the way, the meaning of the phrase let go is so fucking diverse.
So just do what letting go means to you.

0435

2011-10-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

Temporary Insanity.

Sometimes I think about a lot of the great people out there in the world and the amazing things they've done.

I think about how I feel like I can relate to them and we share a lot of the same views on the world so much so that we would probably have fun over coffee.

Then I feel so guilty and anxious at the same time.

I feel like I'm not ready but there is never a right time for anything, not really at least.

I know haven't done anything concrete yet with all my plans.

I have so much I need to do to improve on myself.

I want to be great and I will be great.

Somedays I let my fear get the better of me.

Maybe that's why I'm so fixated with nakedness.

Because of how it shows bravery with it's vulnerability and the beauty of the process of trust and the freedom it exudes.

I'm obsess maybe because I don't have the guts to be brave.

If you ask when, I don't know how all of this started.

My brain is kind of a mess but I love it.

I love everything that's a mess because what is a mess, really?

People who are perfectionist are practically a mess inside.

Well, most of the time at least.

Why would someone create a word like that when it describes practically everything!

I love everyone and their differences ( well unless they are offensive but I always give them a second chance.)

I believe judging is a natural human instinct and it can't be helped but it's the after thought that matters.

The second chance you give even with your doubts.

The benefit of the doubt!

I've always been really drawn to people who are popularly known as "mental" and I'm not sure why and it seems like they are pretty drawn to me.

Maybe it's true that people to have aura colours and people who are in a healing process and babies can see it ( according to my friend Clarice )

Mine is apparently blue.

I think I was probably 8 or 9 when I had my first conscious encounter.

I used to go to this playground at my house and talk to this lady who introduced herself as "peace".

I would frequently talk to peace the crazy lady of my neighborhood because I always felt like just because everyone is scared of something that means I'm going to be scared of it too.

So I always talk to crazy people just to prove a point that they are not scary I guess?

What bugs me is that as I grow older because of mass media,

I've developed this awareness of fear and shame.

I wish I stayed as oblivious or daring some might say forever.

0644

2011-10-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

Somedays I forget what day it is, somedays I forget what year it is.
You can tell your mind anything, your mind can tell you anything.
Most days your head and heart will be seperate entities, most days now my mind is weak.
Somedays love will do what the mind can't cure, somedays love won't do when the heart won't cure.

I forgot how much of an emotional person I am.
I forgot the person I used to be three years ago so much so I tell myself It's cause I haven't changed
But I know I have because logically everyone changes.
I'm getting too comfortable with the past that I feel like I haven't moved pass that.
What's scary is how unsure I am of that.
As of this moment when I think of that period, I'm not sure how I got here.
It's like time travelling on a bullet train when you become addicted to change.

0543

2011-10-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

I feel all dark and twisty inside.

1034

2011-09-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

My mind is a blur, my soul is intact.
It's been crazy but I know where I'm at.
I'm at that point where the goal is to be whoever I want to be.
Because life is rather dull when it's routine.

I sound vague but I have my reasons.
Sharing would be unveiling things that are not ready.
I'm happy and sad all at the same time.
The complexity of this madness has been there the whole while.

I can suppress it, ignore it and down right deny it.
But this hysteria has been there the whole time.
When you love someone you push all that aside.
So it's been a good year but it's time for me to be more in tuned.

But nonetheless, I will always love you.

0432

2011-09-12T01:29:00.000-07:00

This month of the death of us,
The month of the life of us.

I feel so alive,
I am guilty.

I feel crazy and it is swell.

x

0416

2011-08-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

I think someone should invent a greeting for people who don't sleep till dawn cause you see "good morning" doesn't really make sense because it's something you say after sleep and it's a little too late for "good evening" and "good night" is definitely out of the question cause it sounds like you are bidding them farewell as someone drifts off into a sleepy slumber. So I guess "hello" would be good. Whoever invented the word hello is brilliant, it's form, shape, structure the way it sounds is perfect and you never get sick of how it looks and it masks the identity of whoever that uses it. Unlike say..."hey" that just sounds really youthful. hello is good. I like hello. I also like a couple of songs with it's presence.

Life is strange, as cliche as it sounds. I found myself in a situation I would have never imagined myself to be at today. You know how people always say that everyone is just trying to find "themselves" , what if you are everything. I mean cause the word self sounds like a singular entity. What if you don't have a particular self? I'm very happy with not knowing who I am. Life's pretty boring when you have certainty in this aspect. I've been doing very strange things recently and I've been giving everything a chance. It makes me all scared at the same time but suddenly I find beauty in so many things. I'm so in love with this self-proclaimed secret life that I have. But if you ask me what I'm doing, I'd tell you and it won't be a secret anymore but who cares! Nothing in this world was ever mine to begin not even my mind so there is no loss in sharing. I'm in the process of figuring what it is exactly that compels me to certain things that I will not speak of here because I feel like it is so great that when I speak of it, I'd be showing off! And all I want to do now is, be humble, brave and a cat.

Meow also mean G'bye in Cat!

X

0329

2011-08-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Photos by Chris Chan

Busy Busy Busy

Bee Bee Bee

1022

2011-08-23T07:18:00.001-07:00

It's 1022 and I'm still in school editing a video for class tomorrow. good god!

Perfect

2011-08-23T03:45:00.001-07:00

You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;"

"They called me the hyacinth girl."

--Yet when we came back, late, from the hyacinth garden,

Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not

Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither

Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,

Looking into the heart of light, the silence.

0127

2011-08-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

How broken is my heart,

0550

2011-08-04T02:51:00.000-07:00

Why I love my friends.

X

2011-07-31T10:02:00.001-07:00

Also, If you like Art. Check this out!

BABY ALLY'S AMAZING ART!

0101

2011-07-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

MY FAVOURITE THING TO EAT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

Our pretty awesome attempt at making the cocoa exotic for Roy!

A pretty fucking A way to end my holidays and plus, I got the job! Fuck yeah!
Tomorrow's the first day to a healthy functioning routine again, gotta run!

( Yeah I'm pretty much an exclamation mark person. )

x

0509

2011-07-30T02:09:00.000-07:00

I've got a job interview in like 54 minutes and I'm still here in my room half dressed with curlers in my hair sitting in the dark because when I'm in a rush I can get dressed and eat in 5 minutes like that Japanese guy in the youtube video. I hope I get the job, I'm so nervous I've never been like that before when it come to job interviews because I usually just get it but this interview would be my "break through into the industry" kinda job. You know how you flip through the local magazines and you can spot at least 5 of your friends and think to yourself, what the fuck am I doing with my life!? and everyone else is doing something or winning a competition or working with some professional..maybe I'm just afraid! okay! gotta run! wish me luck! LUCK!

0652

2011-07-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

What an epic end of my holidays. We caught Incubus, Neon trees ( peh peh peh ), 30 seconds to Mars, We are Scientists and Jamie from the XX ( another let down ).

I guess I'm happy but as for now, time to get down to business!

0330

2011-07-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

I've been having a really bad urge to write and livejournal was down so I impulsively switched over to blogger. In the famous words of Incubus - if not now, when?

I am so happy that I feel sad.
I feel the most alive when I'm sad.
I am a sad cliche of a chronic melancholic.
I found a perfect song for my unexplained misery, I honestly have nothing to be sad about.
Nothing really personal at least.
At the risk of getting ahead of myself, my life is pretty much perfect
and will head into infinite perfection I guess.
What better way to fall in love with a song than hearing it for the first time live.
I caught Incubus again last Saturday night in KL, it was immaculate.
So was 30 seconds to Mars, of course.
I love the idea of how music is made up of sound waves and we are made out of atoms
and how it is possibly the reason why we feel sad unknowingly when we listen to a melody in a minor key.
I love uncertainty and how everything we know has no absolute.
Yes, life has meaning. If you open your eyes.
Life is more than human validation.

For the past 4 days, I've been productively directionless with an end point.
I like not knowing how to go where I'm going and getting lost.
Because when I get lost I find something new.
Maybe that's why they call it a lost and found
Because you need to lose something to realize after a long journey of finding it,
it was there all along so that you will keep it in check.
Like maybe sanity or wanderlust.

10th October 2010

2010-10-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy

am I or are the others crazy? "

Albert Einstein

I have of montreal on repeat.

I can't stand almost everybody.

I feel bad that I feel this way.

Not that I feel like I'm any better then them.

I'm not an elitist really, if you knew me and you've heard how I speak.

You would've mistaken me for a chinese for sure.

Nope it's not an inferiority complex to being dark.

I'm not jealous or angry about anything either.

Just. completely. unamused.

Now that makes me angry.

Which sounds ridiculous cause It's like self-inflicting negativity.

I'm tired of pretending or maybe I'm just tired.

I don't know what to do or how to stop this feeling.

It's actually pretty unrewarding.

Maybe it's just me in my " coming of age " phase.

Well, if that's the case I hope it expires soon.

I feel like a 16 year old lit student with too much hormones if you know what I mean.

Scrap that. Good night

2nd September, 2010

2010-09-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

So..I had some friday.

23rd August, 2010

2010-08-23T00:55:00.000-07:00

Your Angel.

21st August, 2010

2010-08-21T03:59:00.000-07:00

Something I wrote for Video Production Class, I haven't written in ages and I wrote it in less than an hour because I had no idea I had a deadline. Where is my mind, seriously!

A beggar with a loud voice.

From the amplification of his verbal diarrhea to the way he pulls back his auburn hair.

The way he gazes into her eyes, it is like as if he's there.

But really all that composites are just inferiority and flair.

With an open bottle from a wine barrel and a conversation to show he cares.

If you were really smart enough, you'd see a side he'd never share.

I could almost smell the desperation off the teaspoon of his caviar.

His voice so loud, that punctuated the movement of my thoughts that would take me very far.

Whispering sexual innuendos disguised as flattery that would take you to the back of his car.

Possibly caused by the effects of his frivolity and nymphomania being almost on par.

What we're forgetting here is how it all began

Probably when his parents forgot to pick him up after band.

Instead they'd buy the latest toys

An all-you-can-let-your-brain-rot-in store that varied in choice.

After generations of poise and intellect

You'd be surprise of what you really get.

A brat, A braggart

But you really pity him instead

For it was never his choice for what was in his head.

The imposing of identity and lack of parental love.

Now, you must be wondering why I have concluded the above.

I know this man, I know him all too well.

Although what I am is just as much as swell.

The same defined pattern. I'm a great cliche.

"It takes one to know one" that's what they say.

The great big void caused by this great big need for validation

My name is Jake and can I have your attention?

21st August, 2010

2010-08-21T03:16:00.000-07:00

The best things in life.

August 19th, 2010

2010-08-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

Listening to songs to feed my emotional monster feels like a distant memory, I'm so over that.

Now, I just listen to songs to sing aloud obnoxiously because you only live once! Just an observation!

and like I tell my neighbour at my workplace everyday when he shakes his head at me whenever I'm holding a cigarette, live fast die young. wise words by MGMT quotes Therese quotes Jarryl my aspiring Jade expert friend. goodnight

14th August, 2010

2010-08-14T01:10:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to have a good time because I'm constantly exhausted.

It seems like half the time I'm physically at a function but my mind is somewhere else.

So much so that It interferes with my ability to make a conscious effort that this phase is just temporary.

I feel like I could sleep forever.

I'm exhausted beyond belief but I'm still grateful for all that I have.

Its just that appreciating it comes with effort which makes me kind of..sad.

Happy birthday KC.

August 4th, 2010

2010-08-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Photographs courtesy of Chris Chan.

When I look at a film photograph, I always remember the general perception of beauty is so whacked because imperfections can be so damn beautiful.

But then again, if it's beautiful to you, was it imperfect to begin with?

I stay my say, nothing in this world is entirely absolute.

Well, mostly.

Good night

August 4th, 2010

2010-08-04T05:08:00.000-07:00

July 3rd, 2010

2010-08-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

Undergoing gradual change.

August 1st, 2010

2010-08-01T04:27:00.000-07:00

Well, contrary to popular belief, Meleka is beautiful.

and with the right people wherever you're at is always a good time.

Even when you're not talking.

July 31st, 2010

2010-07-31T05:41:00.000-07:00

July 31st, 2010

2010-07-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

23rd July, 2010

2010-07-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Spending warm summer days indoors.

Abusement Park

2010-07-19T23:37:00.001-07:00

Anna

This is the Guillotine designed by Samuel Chen

Francesca in her daily wear.

Epic lift @ SAM

Yang Jie's work, DOPE.

Clare's

Marc Gabriel Loh's

An exact portrayal of my friendship with Sam.

Melia my pseudo sister.

Shake face.

Polar Opposites.

Yang Jie

Clare aww.

Abusement Park was success!

The world can really be so stupid.

I've always thought stupid was a more brutal word then fuck.

Alright, Gotta run for class now.

July 14th, 2010

2010-07-14T00:03:00.000-07:00

My favourite person to wave to when I'm at work.

LOML.

Anyway, nothing to do this weekend?

Come down and show some love! I'll be at SAM for the exhibition by the collective called Vertical Submarine and their work entitled " Abusement Park " details are on facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=130495560296051&ref=mf

July 14th, 2010

2010-07-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I guess we should just embrace ourselves

July 9th, 2010

2010-07-09T04:51:00.000-07:00

I miss this time last year but things change and life happens.

July 7th, 2010

2010-07-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

6th July, 2010

2010-07-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am dream walking.

July 3rd 2010

2010-07-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life =)